You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am midnight drunk by noon
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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