if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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