She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
