just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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