A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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