Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
