i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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