The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
