I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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