fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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