Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
