cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
