Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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