I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
