her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
