By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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