cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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