god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
