let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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