She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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