Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
