Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
