bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
