i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
did i just pee glitter
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
