my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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