remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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