I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
