Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
