I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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