The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
