remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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