He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
