I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
