So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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