well I can't set my house on fire every night
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
