im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
