I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Randomize
