lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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