At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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