Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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