Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
