new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
