i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
