grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
