I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
