Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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