Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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