I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
