Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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