I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
